Bye bye baby

It’s not the first time,  but this time sure did feel like the first time.
How many babies does one have to lose for it to feel familiar, less scary, or less painful ?  The question is impossible to answer.

Walking around hoping dreaming with so much excitement, hope, and dreams and for what,  the dreaded day of sorrow that will eventually follow.

When the cramping starts initial response is fear but even so,  you want to hold onto any piece of hope your mind can muster.    You want to believe it’s minor and just as long as you take it easy, the inevitable  will go away.   But then the spotting begins.  Once you see that first glimpse of red,  you search for meaning in the color,  and you search for every instance on the internet that validates spotting, bleeding with a healthy baby outcome. The hope remains even though deep down inside your sad,  irritable, and feel like a ticking bomb.

This pregnancy took over my mentality.  I know in my previous miscarriages I lost the pregnancy all at once.  I held on so tight not wanting to lose this baby my body actually fought expelling it.  I was in a strong physical and mental war with my body. I was in labor six plus hours when my better half came home and couldn’t believe my stubborn soul,  he immediately called the ambulance.

Wave after wave each contraction took over my soul

and I knew that this baby was going with the Lord,  but I didn’t want to be in some impersonal environment being ignored by the hospital staff when i cried and screamed with stares from everyone in my view.

Emotionally I was gone, which made me forget physically I was at risk of death.  My body was dehydrated a vein couldn’t respond to the Iv, my blood pressure was at heart attack numbers, amen I was fully dilated by the time I got to the hospital.

Discharged you feel empty, sad,  lost,  and mad.  Your body feels worn,  gone,  and done.  Your insecurities are magnified and you realize no matter how hard you try to hold on sometimes you realize that what you should have been practicing is letting go.

Alone you feel and even when your not the feeling exist.  Fight mode remains when all you need is to be held.

Michele Renee

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