I wanted to share something I have figured out to be very significant.
Gus or Gucci as I would call him back in the day was one of my closest friends during an extremely profound year in my life. I considered him one of my best friends, we had so much fun together. I felt free considering I had just graduated from high school yet so conflicted and emotional with not much of a plan in mind.
I was experiencing my new independence and I wanted to spend all the time I had with Gus. I spent my days & nights laughing with him and my boyfriend Victor (who was also his best friend). Victor and I would meet most of the time head on straight to party with Gus. He was one of the cool friends you could chill at his house, his mom was always working. We bonded and searched for ourselves at the little house on Fresno.
Life was definitely different and changing I spent the summer of my 18th year taking advantage of my new found freedom driving around and/or just hanging out at Gus house escaping from life’s stressful realities.
Sleeping over at his house but never crossing over the friendship line. We spent our days feeling young, wild and free…
Gus was poetic something I was definitely not into at the time. I was impressed with his artistic skills and found his artistic drawings and words intriguing.
I definitely wanted to be around him every chance I could.
He made it known he cared for both Victor and me, as a couple, and as individuals. We all tried to or did in fact understand one another.
I felt like he was typical of the friends I held. I usually surround myself with friends who are the best kind of friends to have.
I wasn’t happy in my relationship with Victor we were both very conflicted and common grounds were the the fact we could understand each others misery. We were full of doubt and so many other negative feelings rooted from doubt. Misery loves company because you find enjoyment on finally being able to relate to life’s difficulties and saddest struggles with another.
Victor was everything I was attracted to, a mysterious attractive jock ** basically- huge for holding me and hot 🔥
Gus was extremely in touch with his feelings and communicated comfortably about everything he thought in his forever pondering mind. He was perfect Bff material, he listened to everything I said and understood it at my level of understanding.
Vic was a definite mystery man I never quite knew which side of Victor I would be hanging out with on a daily basis. I doubt Victor knew himself, he struggled continously on finding out where he belonged.
I found it exciting that Victor and I would spend our days hanging around completely different types of friendship groups based on our mood of the day.
One thing was for sure I always found myself begging to just hang with Gus.
I was obsessed with Victor the emotionally absent guy, the guy who had me yearning for his attention and time.
The guy who says and believes he wants to be there with me and supportive. I always justified the newest excuse for the next reason he wasn’t. I felt it was normal and familiar to forever chase a dream in a a person who didn’t even understand how to show me love in the way I needed. I kept holding onto the most awaited moment – when he would “come around” and be able to love me and accept love the way we needed. I believed with enough time I could help him resolve all his conflicts.
I will never forget a certain day that I was listening to Gus talk about love and relationships and thought yes those are all the things I want, I focused most of the time on how I’d get Vic to feel it.
One day was different I had a weird moment when I was driving and backing out of his driveway. I looked at him as he spoke and wondered what it would be like if he were “mine” I then had a huge flashback that made me feel we had met before along time ago, and I even remembered him so well he felt familiar. I was confused and then wondered what would happen if I kissed him.
I never did!
It’s amazing how we choose to see only what we want and so many are placed in that “friendzone” and overlooked.
Victor ended up taking his own life one night as we hung around with our friends one summer night. The night was on the 4th of July, and if I close my eyes I can remember it all, even the littlest details. The night was tragic and intense. I decided at that point on that very night to run away from everyone and never go back to anything or anyone that reminded me of him, including Gus! We should always do what we need to in order for our soul survive.
Fast forward tons of years, I am much more wise than before. I was educated in relationship building in college, I learned a great deal from my previous failed relationships.
I felt so different but when I met up with Gus and in a new way I felt like a lost version of myself again, a side I hadn’t seen in decades! We were so different yet when we were together, it made us feel the same.
It was inevitable that I would keep a skeleton in my closet. I found the strength to finally meet up and give Gus the opportunity to be my friend once again. When we met first thing we did was catch up, together we faced the past skeletons and reestablishing our friendship was natural.
Before we met I had no desire or preconceived notion of a romance! I had been living in a terrible failed marriage for the 2 years prior to our reunion. I just wanted and needed my friend again. Read my other blog postings for more details 🙂
One day I wondered to myself… I wonder what will happen if I kiss him I started to think about all the reasons I shouldn’t… It could ruin our friendship, I could freak him out, make a fool/ embarrass myself. Then as I played back all the reasons in my head, I got a flashback…
I remembered the familiar feelings and fears were felt before. I went back to the summer when I had been in that same exact moment before.