I remember when you gave me this picture!
I can count on one hand how many times I have been able to look at it, without completely falling apart. I do have to say it’s never been on the 4th of July or on your birthday in September.
It’s amazing that about 5 years back I went to meet up with a medium because I was so distraught and searching for answers. I had never met this lady in my life, and she told me you were there. How amazing that she would tell a 35 year old woman that a young boy who looks to be about 18 Years old was standing next to me. The last time we were together we were 17 years old.
I asked her what you were doing and she told me that you were at peace and I needed to be at peace too. She told me you appreciated our long drives in the little white car. I was shocked! You wanted to thank me because I was exactly what you needed at that time during the end of your days of your life here on earth. You thanked me for the deep talks and told me I needed to let go of the sadness I held onto in your memory and work on finding my own peace.
That is when I lost it, because I don’t care who could’ve told me different, that is the moment I knew you were in the room, saying just what I needed to hear to know that you were really there.
Thank you for visiting with me and I thank God for allowing you to be there with me for the short time you were saying all the things I needed to hear at that moment, like you always did in the past.
Victor this is so hard to say, it’s so hard to feel, but I need to say and feel this. I need to remember every few years…. But, I need it especially today. Each time I think “this is it”, closure your back on the 4th of July to haunt me and remind me you will never be a closed chapter in my life.
I thank you for making me laugh, smile, and always think! I can never find peace in the way you let go of you, the world, your friends, your sisters, us.
The way you left me is still a vivid nightmare I can’t release from my head. I am so sorry for the stupid games we played. We never thought pass the moment, it was an intense expression that we didn’t understand. The way we discussed at no end how this world was unfair, hard, and didn’t seem worth the effort. I am sorry we were both so unhappy and confused at that time in our young life that we believed, that was it! I had no clue at that time how to see the world different even though I tried, I really did.
The night you took your life you told me you had fallen in love with me. You shared how you had been hurt when you loved before. You opened up to me and told me all about “her,” (your first love), her accident, her father, you told me you were ready finally ready to let go and completely ready let me in. I believed you! I saw the truth in your eyes, and I will never forget the last thing you did before you held up that gun to your head, was kiss me tenderly with feeling. Omg we were between so many trees under the stars and the moon was shining just the way I love it. You grabbed my face, and I could see The Real raw love in your eyes it was so exciting. You gently placed your lips on mine and for the first time I knew it was real. We had spent every day with each other that summer but that was the moment for the first time I was convinced, and ready to let you in as well.
You called me your girlfriend for a while, you had posters of me in your room, but finally that was the moment I felt the connection. Or was that what I was feeling?
The night sounds grew crazy, night sky continued to light the lake, and everyone of us were shocked and afraid. I wouldn’t let you go, I couldn’t because if I let go of your body then it meant it was real and forever. I believed strongly that if I held you I could remain with you as long as time would allow. When Joe John was giving all he had to breathe breath into your body, I knew you weren’t in there anymore because I could feel you above us, watching, sad, but unable to rewind time. I felt you with me on my side not in the body I clung to. I felt you didn’t want to leave, regretted your action, and I felt your sorrow. All those feelings live so strongly in me and come to life when I remember.
I am sorry I didn’t say the right words to to keep you safe.
Thank you for driving around, laughing, smoking, and letting me play all the music I wanted…. The Eagles, Steve Miller Band… Commodores all the old school classic rock I played when I talked about my parents when I was little. I love you!