Yesterday was one of the toughest days of my life and it continues, but in a different way;
One thing I thank God for; is the Peace he puts in my heart; in my spirit.
After our date last night, I received exactly what I needed.
He is amazing; he always knows what I need; even when I don’t know; but there he is; giving me what I need; he always pulls me through…
I am strong, we are stronger together; I have the KING on my side and I am his princess; I come from royalty~
It seems I have gone through a lifetime of difference; always trying to make order from the disorder; even as a little girl it seemed to much to understand; but it wasn’t for me understand just yet. Since I can remember; I had to be at least six years old; I found my constant companion, chaos. Chaos continued to be my company, my best friend who refuses to leave my side; almost always there to remind me his job is never done; and always holding on tight reminding me, there is NO RANSOM I am all his.
Full of fear, I ask for help and there you are as I finally focus, on my other side; always by my side when I call your name; I look and there you are; staying true; how do I forget about you? How do I ignore your presence? Like magic my fear is gone and I have found my comfort again.
My entourage is big sometimes; I am a lover of people and friends; so they see a friend in me; shining with love and comfort to give; because that is what I want. Sometimes, my entourage is small because just like me; we all have our fears, make mistakes, and refuse to forgive; even when we are all the same; with just one mighty judge.
No matter who is on my side; no one can compare; you are greater than any, you take me onto your shoulders dear one; you allow me to fly; and when I do; wow, can I fly. <3
Recently, this week~ I found myself in a situation that is very familiar; I have been here before in this place; it is a place of sadness; when the sun becomes your early morning wedgie. When the flowers are the scent that brings up the word vomit; I am sad; and can’t find my happy place. I feel so isolated; so alone; emotionally broken, knowing that no one can give me the answer; and the reality is no one can because it isn’t there life to live. Who am I to decide what to say, I am just a sinner I am tainted; I am everything Jesus is not; who am I to lead, who am I to direct?
How can I be here again, it was a horrid trauma and not just that; but how many times must I relive the places no one else has to walk or would even get close to? Familiar places give you an advantage though; this time; you will do it differently; with a little more knowledge and wisdom; it doesn’t take away pain but it maybe a little bit easier. Like a cruel joke; my cross seemed so much heavier even more than the initial hit; as I looked at all the familiar devastating elements; I then saw the most beautiful familiar face; that of my child. Life plays dirty; the dirtiest.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, and all I can do is carry her through…. If I had to go through hell to carry her through; that I would do… that is what love is; and I know love! I live love, if there is anything I understand it is that of love; because I feel his love.
When I walked in and saw with my own eyes your body in Eucharistic form just like the last supper; I felt your presence, you are here …
you are with me everyday; a peace was inside; I was overcome by the comfort of your arms my Lord. Best date ever… the connection was amazing; your mercy~ is relentless… how can anyone doubt this?
and sometimes I am positive all I really know is LOVE and how it continues to go on and on.
I don’t know why life is so hard, or why people like me~ the anxious ones are given so many reasons to find the sincerity of anxiety. I don’t know why those like me~indecisive and full of panic., are given the hardest decisions to make during the hardest times, to lead others to believe when all I want to do is fall apart.
All I understand is love; so I begin this Friday with the love of the truth…
He will get us through!
Thank you St. Pius X 3907 Harry Wurzbach, San Antonio, Texas 78209 for the intimate setting!
Adoration is currently open till MIDNIGHT at this location.
