Missing Gus; keep on swimming~

This is me


I am a bitch,


I know no one believes that; LOL because I am known for being super sweet; understanding; extremely patient; and full of joy.

While everything you just read is true, I will truthfully admit, I am all those things up above ^

However, there is a side of me that is very tough and extremely powerful; and I can be relentless; and callous when I need to get something done; I will leave the “party” to jump on my ship (family and loyal friends) to protect and get things done and go fight a battle.  It is almost as if I become someone else during those times; this powerhouse of an exploding ticking bomb on a mission; telling everyone exactly what needs to be done; and putting a deep fear in all those around me; especially those who are close to me; who don’t normally see this side of me.


I am extremely laid back; and most would say a “push-over” to those I love; but when this girl comes out; everyone kind of ducks for cover; I am fearless but smart and not at all naive.


This is my most favorite time of the year; it is the end of the year; the Christmas festivities have already begun;  and it is so bitter-sweet because this is usually when S.A.D. takes place.

S~easonal A~ffective D~isorder.  SAD is a mood disorder characterized by depression that occurs at the same time every year.  SAD symptoms include fatigue, depression, hopelessness, and social withdrawal.  During this time of year is when more people commit suicide as well.

Prevent Suicide

Gus~ my partner in life; has always had a problem during this time of year with his moods.  So, my anxiety begins to increase beginning with fall and “this woman of superpowers” always shows her face during this time~eventually.


From Thanksgiving (November)-New Year it seems to be a very stressful time of year; people want to make other people happy and there is so much stress put on each other during this time.


Everyone starts fighting from Thanksgiving to get the best gifts; making lines in stores, creating traffic to find the prettiest decorations, the search begins for the ugliest sweater; the ovens and appliances are gearing up to bake the most delicious desserts.  People are either stressing about creating or attending the most festive party; stressing to find the prettiest Christmas/Holiday attire, everyone competes for the most lit-up yard in the neighborhood, all this stress and trying to create the coziest, warmest, cinnamon smelling “Christmas home”… then it is all over; and it is a new year.


I am an extremely private person; I don’t even ask family for help; if I do; it is usually just my dad or grandmother.  I try not to ask; when I have problems it is my children, Gus and I pulling together like the biggest baddest team in the world.

I asked for help from family before, specifically during my divorce; and it seemed it only caused distance in our relationship; so lesson learned; I got this!  Don’t get me wrong when my family helped me especially with not becoming homeless; and giving my kids a Christmas during my divorce; I will never forget that; will always appreciate what they did for me during the hardest time ever.  It just seems when some give out a helping hand so many do have strings attached, get hurt when you don’t take their advice, or maybe it is just me; and I feel disappointed I had to take something I needed.


When I grew up; I was super independent; I actually saved up enough change to go see a psychic when I was 8 years old and found my way to her on the east side of town on a bus; I had no fear because I faced it head on; even if I had to talk myself the whole way through.  My parents were always busy; so I would FIND A WAY myself; there was never an option of, I can’t do this on my own; I am too small; too young; or I need someone else.  I use to rearrange and decorate all my house myself as a kid, out of boredom; moving couches; furniture; I would lay on my back and use my legs~the strongest part of my body; and I always lifted weights to make sure I was strong all over, Strength gave me power!


First thing is always my children; I am blessed to have found a partner who understands my beliefs and supports me in them and has adopted similiar beliefs.


Gus has my heart, he has taken in my children and in six years learned to love them each individually with all their unique personality differences.  He always says he is a quick study; and that is true; but he really is so much more.  Gus takes time to love all of us; and care for each one of us in the way we need to be based on all our individual personalities.


Gus spends a lot of father/daughter time with Miley and the people important to her.


Gus makes sure none of his family is ever hungry; and loves to make us our favorite foods because it is his way to show love.  He knows all Miley’s facial expressions; understands or takes time to try and understand her moods; and takes extra time even after that to let her know that she is worthy and matters.  Miley and Gus have fun together and she loves that he is funny, caring, cuddly; and right know she has been telling me for the past 3 days she misses Gus.


Gus is in a lot of ways a maternal figure in our home; he is more motherly than a lot of mothers I know.  I always tease him and call him Martha Stewart because he is always cooking, cleaning or creating.  I think in a lot of ways; Miley loves that she knows he is very real; he shows his emotions and isn’t afraid to cry if his feelings are hurt.


This weekend Jay spent time with his father~Juan; he is an awesome father; I know he wishes he could see them all the time but with divorce and schedules we follow; life doesn’t always work the way we plan.  He supports his children with child support financially; loves them more than anything in the world; nothing or no person could ever replace him as he is his own person; and their relationship is unique.


The same is true with Gus~ Jay’s stepfather.



Gus spends a lot of time with Jay teaching him and learning from him; they love to scream and de-stress in their man-cave and game away, scream at the zombies; and others in the game world; and then laugh belly hard laughs; and then do it all again the next day.  Gus teaches Jay responsible things like cleaning up after himself; taking pride in the man-cave… and they enjoy helping each other with whatever it is happening.  I heard Jay tell his best friend in the game world tonight; he misses his step-dad (hasn’t seen him in 3 days.) The funny thing is while Gus has such a strong maternal side; as I do; he has a strong paternal side~ as I do as well :D.  Gus is all-man; he even smells like a man! 😀  Gus is fierce; and Jay see’s it; the only thing he afraid of is, me.   LOL  Gus is intense, driven, passionate, loyal, ambitious, and very resourceful.  Gus can tell you about a million different ways to do anything.   He is extremely stubborn like most men as well. He is a great leader in our family more of the time; and always wants to be better, even when it means admitting our own personal weaknesses.

Marisa is my other half; the one I depend on and who can depend on me; we make it through this world knowing no matter what we have each other.  Marisa is 19 years old; so she is an adult; but in so many ways still needs her mommy; and I hope it always stays that way.  I love to make her laugh; frustrate her; and annoy her; I just want her to know I am always here even if it means wishing I would go away for just a bit.  Marisa is taken care of by Gus as well, he tries to show her love by making her food and giving her comfort for breakfast, snacks, dinner; he loves her in the way she allows him to.  It is funny because he wants to hug her all the time; and it isn’t something she was use to but something she has learned to allow and finally realize… I think I can trust this one.  <3  


I love my family; we are blessed; we have so much fun; we are honest; open with each other our family communicates a lot; but above all there is a whole bunch of LOVE!


There is a harder side we face even with all we have been blessed with, it is dealing with the anxiety we all have; and depression we all understand from time to time.  We are crazy; love to have fun, and be happy so we work hard to lift each other up when any one of us is there; and that is why God gave us each other.

Our family also deals with bipolar disorder~ which means basically extreme high’s and lows in moods.  You are extremely low~ as in very sad don’t want to get out of bed; don’t want to live life; and don’t find enjoyment in life or all the things you did before.  Then there is the high; when you are in the manic state; where you are so happy; you don’t want to stop doing everything you want to do in life.  I can deal with the lows pretty good; but the highs and the mania are hard.  When Gus has high’s he doesn’t sleep and will begin all the projects his little heart desires;  he has such a good heart he was picking up litter in the neighborhood 3 days ago; until “that woman” came out.   The woman who screams, GET IN THE CAR in front of the whole world; people don’t like strangers in their yard, stop bothering people… and I say horrible things like you are a 40+-year-old toddler; I can be brutal and hurtful; but the thing is Gus has the love and innocence of that of a toddler he just keeps talking and won’t shut up; and I have to sometimes do it for him, even if the only way is by sticking a sock in it; because the only thing to put the brakes on is when his feelings get hurt.  My daughter Marisa told me; mom God made you strong for Gus; you are definitely the only one who can understand him and raise him up and I will always raise him high where he deserves to be.

Gus doesn’t want to go to the hospital when he needs to because he say’s it is like prison; and he misses his family.  We miss him too; and it is hard; and we don’t like it; and if it means I have to do it all; and hold things together; and put things back together while he is gone;  that is what I will do.  We all do our part; it is has been 3 days he is gone; we miss him and he will come back  and we will all find our place again with time.  My son says I shouldn’t take him to the hospital; LOL he doesn’t mind if Gus is like one huge kid enjoying life and forgetting about responsibility~ LOL ~ the fun guy is here for a while… HELL NO I need the, “Sir, its 10:30 PM in bed now; it is hard to wake you up in the morning you need your sleep to learn and grow…”  I don’t need the, “Woo hoo anything goes~ bruh!” guy… he is obnoxious too, his visit can be short lived; but I miss my Gus.

Family is about patience, the more we have the more we learn about each other; the more we learn about life, the more we will see; and understand.  The more we learn about each other; life, and understand the more we will feel, see, and hear~ and then we will love with no conditions; but just because.


1 comment

  1. Wow Michelle, I read word for word and you are such a special and awesome woman! We need to get together to chat! Would love to hear how you cope. My 18 year old son suffers from very severe bi-polar disorder (with psychosis) and was diagnosed about less than a year ago and I was just devastated. He’s extremely intelligent and was hit from left field when his mental state became so unstable. I didn’t know what was happening. I had to hospitalize him 3 times and once it was in a manic state which was to me much more scary that the depressed state. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. His condition is overwhelming and exhausting to deal with but
    most of all I’m so sad for him and I need to find ways to to learn and get used to the “new normal.” Thank you for sharing this, sharing your thoughts and emotions and people need to start talking more about mental illness because you feel so alone many times just feeling like you are alienated from the rest of the world. Stay strong it seems like you get it, you understand the illness and most of all you’ll understand each other and accept one another for all that you are. You are one special and lovely lady!!

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