Yesterday I cried, today I focus; ☺ and find every reason to smile

Have you ever found yourself in a situation that escalated so quickly you were not only caught off guard, but taken down for a while and stripped of all your dignity? I know they always say becareful what you ask for because you just may get it. 

Toward the end of the year after quite a few bouts through out last year I decided I wanted to work on humility and humbling myself more to God. I have always considered myself faithful but I mean really putting God first, maybe I needed that practice. 

After what seemed like a never-ending ending struggle to stay a float after battling illness within our family, learning how to cope, and just realizing the reality of life changes we finally faced the fact it was time to stop drowning, stop fighting against the tide, and let go….

Train hard and rebuilding can begin only after you stop the current losing battle! 

Letting go is hard and isn’t comforting, it’s recognizing you just don’t have the strength to swim that specific race in those kind of waters.  For a person who has been through a lot that isn’t always easy, especially when experiences have inflated you to believe you are Hercules, when you realize none of us really are, we are all just minions trying to survive in a mean cruel world. 

I have never allowed myself to become bitter, not even while growing up and finding I had it harder than most. Not after feeling like I had to force myself to find my own way when I left home at the age of seventeen.  Dealing with being kidnapped, rapped when I was only 18~ pregnancy, pregnancy eliminating, watching families within my parental families develop in ways I never had the opportunity, disease, pains… 

But then on the other side…I’ve won, won big, lived big, comfortable able to buy more than I needed, had opportunity helped so many along the way, learned to understand, found my compassion… only to fall, lose everything, and finally get the courage yet again and lose it, encouraged continuously to make changes to try to get back up time and time again against conventional methods but willing to take the chance because I needed a chance for my family. 

There is NOTHING I wouldn’t do for my kids, when I left my almost 20 year marriage for my kids and I … I lived homeless sleeping in my van, during the winter in the cold, sleeping in the parking lot of Fast Eddies, bars places I never even been in, because I knew no one would question my parking there at least until 2 or 3 am; 3 hours more till I could go back when he would leave for work in the morning. 

Pride pfft what is that, my kids matter! 

We find ourself once again in a situation where I am out of home, my kids and I are safe but uncomfortable couch visiting with my 80+ year  old grandparents… feeling down and low but determined!  Eveyone says they would help, everyone says there love for you is immense they’d help you if you needed it. The funny thing is when you realize they love but with conditions. They love enough to not be put out of their comfort zone, they love enough to ask questions but offer few solutions, and no, I don’t have the time to sit around and answer your questions, they love enough to ignore, argue only to disappear, they make up excuses as to why it is deserved, with answers of why they haven’t been there… not my grandmother though! My grandmother has my back she isn’t throwing me a life preserve she is jumping in to help me swim… 

that kind of love is rare, so while I sit here and start my day… I concentrate on what I do have while I feel I am completely being stripped of my dignity…

 I am blessed with the love of my grandparents who doesn’t just check in and out, but jumps in with hope, confidence, understanding, love, and compassion!!!

I am rich in understanding… but send some more of that opportunity ; )


%d bloggers like this: