Stay Gold, in these times~

How much do we put up with before we say, no more?

I guess how long it takes has a whole hell of a lot to do with how much you still want what you think will be. Is the package you are holding inside heavy, heavier than yesterday or lighter? It is hard to say, when you have a baseline of weak, it feels like I stay in limbo right around that point of progression.

When I think about how I have continuously kept myself in situations because I have felt I have specifically made the situation I was in, how many others can say that doesn’t exist in their world? The world can really be evil though, and in some parts of our world, we realize there are certain points that we don’t have to keep and we let them go. Finally!

There are parts of our world that are so painful yet, we try with all our might to forget time and time again we are allowing that which becomes our reality. But, we did anyway and sometimes for way too long!

The truth is we can never forget certain parts of our world that happened, no matter how hard we try. The part of our world that did, that we try to forget, sometimes seems to live with us forever, and long after. At times, when we see or feel the scars we are reminded how truly we know oh so well. We remember about all those seasons, that gave us all the reasons and then we make it important in our own mind, because once we realize it, understand it, we think that maybe that will be the final point where things will finally be ok, it has been conquered we tell our self!

We make a million reasons in our head to stay, sometimes way too long in situations. We make a million reasons in our head how now, “it will change,” and we can prove that, NO, past history doesn’t determine future history,” … you remember that time you finally made up your mind.

Little by little everything we have ever known has turned into something else, like never before, and, sometimes, quite like as before as well!

Our new reality becomes our truth when we choose. The new truth will just continue with what we know and understand, even if it isn’t right.

The reel continues, WE remember way back when there were certain times everything was perfect like the perfect dream, but then in between, it was a nightmare.

When the nightmare ends, this is when you weigh your options and at times you see that the truth is your greatest moments are those that are between the dream and the conflict. Times when all you felt was so beautiful, and so worthy, what could replace that feeling?

I gave my all because my blinders were so amazing; so I gave all my trust in you and felt that no matter what happened I was going to enjoy every minute of it, and I always did.

Following you in all those places I didn’t belong…

Following dumb, with my blind faith on a road called SeeForth~~~:D

Around people and places I should have never been, I ran away from that crap years ago. I went with you every step, and wouldn’t leave you; cuz I believed in you. I just want you to know I believed in you when belief was all I had left. Belief in the truth, belief in you…

After every incident; whether they were in the hospital, on the street somewhere, or in a Dive Hotel ๐Ÿ˜‰ everywhere we ended up in, never was I left with the feeling I was ready to walk away. After every, “how am I gonna forget…” I felt the drawback because I knew you were worth it.

You may say/feel I am corrupt, but honestly, I haven’t shown you close to enough how corrupt I can be. Even when we both go mad, we wake up and feel no regrets.

Until those moments I feel regretful about the times I saw you in everything I do, everywhere I went, and then there was the switch, when I try to forget more.

If all the things you whispered in my ear were true; where does the disconnection come from that makes you NOT think about me!

Where did the moments come from, you know those moments when you actually chose to act like you had no clue’ but we both aren’t stupid, both genius level. Wait, can that be the dead-end?

I searched in my heart for a reason to stay when my ego was enlarged on the occasion. I just know we both know that WE BOTH don’t feel complete, like we do with each other by our side. Where is that point when you look back and feel completely broken down and say it is done? Even during those moments you know you have never ever felt so ignited.

I know we both need each other!

In between all the sick days, where our world was before, unraveling apart… WE took and accepted all of the scars. Somehow, and in some way all the scars began to feel healed just by being with one another. Eventually, all that was left is the hurt we created from one another by dealing with the wounds created by others, way before “us” ever existed. Life has always been gracious, giving all the warnings. We learn to ignore them, we ignore them almost automatically, we ignore them better than before, until we ignore them immediately.

We DECIDE, we decide who we chose to rebuild with; and if that person will be a true joint effort, we need our best candidate. I mean we need our best candidate if we are in for the win.

We know when we have finally met the one!

How do we change the way we see things when we learned so many times to see things differently just to survive?

What is important, is the way we feel about our own self that lives in our own head. We get so wound up sometimes; and we have to learn to wind ourselves way down. You think fishing relaxes, wind your own motha fuckin reel..

Put your damn guard down! Work on putting your ego down; it is easy to pay attention/ignore your own ego and worth when someone else is always completely winding it up and around, and sometimes all tangling it about.

Then there are those of us who don’t really hold onto a strong ego. We learned long ago, how others ego’s completely demolished everything you kept as the truth; especially when your tendency is really to be more selfless more of the time.

We learn by nature and nurture what our worth is, we know what we truly want as we mature and what we truly don’t want. Lately, I have been preaching to my loved ones about perspective, how we make our own perceptions.

How do you feel about your own life and all your daily happenings?

Our reality is made by our perception but some can play a huge part in preventing us to become all we need to be. There are people who are potential blockers; the ones who block you from becoming who you are due to their own insecurities and lessons. These are NOT our people.

What do you do when you need something from someone and fast, but they can’t give it, or they don’t want to or they just have their own agendas to take care of that they feel are so important? You really can’t blame someone for taking care of themselves, so I typically don’t take it in; and I choose where I feel the most comfortable and that is just to go away. I would never try to control another human being; everybody has a right to their own feelings and I know and I have lived by the fact and I understand feelings are never wrong. Yes, we all need something different in our lives and at completely different moments.

We really can’t understand how another feels unless we ask, and even then so, we really can’t unless we felt that need before; or understand how important that needs is to another. We each need something quite different and we need different things at different times in our life. I think what is important is that if we care; we try our best to truly understand what it is that those we love our lacking, we try and give it to them, if we love them we only know we want to make them feel better, whole, and complete. We don’t really do that when the EGO is in gear; we want to believe we are “enough” just being us; damaged, selfish, and all. It is easy to give what we are use to, especially to all those who didn’t deserve it.

How many times do we stop and take into consideration another person’s true need?

WE get hurt when someone doesn’t notice, why is that? Is it because somewhere deep inside we truly feel we aren’t worthy because sometime in our past… someone else made us believe that before? Someone we truly loved and put our trust in; maybe it was from the very beginning, and started with a parent.

We need to not just know but truly believe, I am worth it. We are worth everything we need, we are worth everything we never received but wanted. We need to know that yes, even when we are all damaged and sometimes feel completely ruined, we aren’t, that is where the lie begins. We need to know and accept that sometimes, it wasn’t our fault. Life truly isn’t fair; and it does suck; it is mean, cruel, and so utterly sad at times. But, we need to keep moving; because we cannot allow any other soul on this earth to define us.

Everything we want, everything we deserve exists, we just got to get our butt up and get it! I don’t care how peachy someone else life looks, it isn’t and the truth will truly set each one of us free…. admitting the truth is quite the battle though.

ADMIT it! ADMIT IT TODAY! YES, it really is NOW OR NEVER!!!!

We should know by now there is not some WHITE FREAKING HORSE riding in to save us. WE give and we take; and honestly the more you give, the more you will get to take. The heart needs to remain GOOD, GOLD, and WHOLE… that should’ve been a G lol but I haven’t received the bag of chips just yet. ๐Ÿ˜€

I am a Work in progress !

Keep moving, Don’t stay Stagnant! You will go where you want, get what you will, but nothing is coming to you. In between all those days, stay more GOLD!

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