Day 9

So, today is Day 9 and I have been so good the last few days, powerful, so strong, knowing I got this. Today this morning is a little different. I think how it feels to be so aware in this presence~ it makes me wonder, “how am I going to do this, how am I going to do it?” …without the cloudiness and the comforting fog, without the mask to hide behind, the control of being in control, letting go of the control of “NOT GIVING A SHIT!”
Makes me question, when did it all happen, when did it happen that I chose it was easier to be unaware. My initial thought goes back to when I was 17 just about 18 years old, and I was such a young vulnerable, innocent girl; when I was taken from that gas station, beaten and raped. I felt so disgusted with myself, so stupid, so vulnerable, and I knew for a fact that at any moment I could be at the mercy of another, even a devious soul. My mind often goes to the choking, and Covid brought it all back when I would gasp to breathe. It was only a few months before that I had felt abandoned by my high school sweetheart who was my moment-by-moment side kick who left to go to the military at such a crucial point in my life. My father starting a new chapter in his life, that made me feel I was losing him, me, us; all I knew. I know now I didn’t lose us; I was blessed with a mom, but I didn’t know that at the time when everything was happening so quickly. I left home with nowhere to go, and I felt I need someone quick, so I replaced all I ever knew with love for a guy who shot himself in front of me and all our friends. I then got married quickly to secure a family that would become mine; and I was just a kid on survival who didn’t know what the hell I was doing. That was when it started all that in a matter of just 6 months, years after, I have piled shit and pain on top of more shit and pain, and that is when I learned to convolute my state of mind to function. How do I go back to that day to make wrongs right, well of course I can’t. I can’t fix the past, I just want to know how to feel better now, with all the broken pieces of me I can finally feel and that I am finally facing. I KNOW in my heart I am NOT BROKEN, why do I feel so broken?
I don’t blame anyone, I know it is life, my path, my experience, made me who I am today. I am working on me, I am working on knowing that I have the power to feel however I want to feel, and today that is just to feel better! I want Peace, I don’t want anger, and I would love to demolish the ego that I give life to. I just pray I do this, and the weight is not so heavy as it is today. I pray to you God for strength, help me get through this, DAY 9 hello mofo!

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