Well by golly, I know why I drink!
I am addicted to thinking! My intoxication with mind altering substances has been my strong shield from all the painful experiences of my past. Becoming aware, makes me realize how addicted I am to “overthinking” so that I can always be a step ahead. I also noticed when I choose to remain in a state of anger, it is easier to let go of people that have hurt me before. For many of us who have anger issues, it is easier to cut people off and out of your life than continue to be hurt by their lack of respect for seeing your worth. Staying busy with other things is a great way to protect myself from working through relationships when I don’t feel the other is as invested as the truth as me. It may seem harsh and cold but I refuse to allow them the opportunity for me to get hurt by them again. People who stab you in the back once will always do it again it seems. People have proven that what/who they show you they are from the very start is who they will continue to be. When people show you that they are not for me, I believe them from that moment on.
I learned early on to leave as soon as possible and with very little regret because I must always protect myself from the number one thing, I fear the most; ABANDONMENT!
I know when I feel lonely or alone, or when I realize someone is not really for me I can feel my fear peak; so, I drink so that I feel in control of something that allows me to be unaware, and forget about a real solution.
Lately, it seems I am alone most of the day for the first time in my life; I have always been so busy with school~college, my education was so important to me, busy with kids kept me focused on being a mother and mothering my kids in way helped me mother the little Michele who so needed it. Being a mother gave me an opportunity to free my mind ataying focused on the babies. The kids are getting older, and even though I know they still need me, it is not like before when they needed constant care that kept me so busy. My career has always kept me so busy solving other families’ relationships, keeping others together, and in always in state of how to assist them in doing life better. I realize the truth, God has put me a position for the first time in my life really where I need to really just work on me. I am learning something I hadn’t ever learned and that is to simply just be! I need to stay aware, but I need to learn to JUST BE and let go of all the attachments, tools, and body armor I have carried with me all these years, including staying busy to never focus on me.
Day 22 Sobriety